I woke up Sunday feeling tired but restless. I climbed out of bed, eventually to start my day. I went downstairs and made something to eat and exchanged words with my oldest son about not doing some things I had asked of him. I often find myself overcome with emotions whenever I get into conflict with my sons. I felt a rush come over me of tears and feeling underappreciated and disrespected as a mom. He didn’t use profanity or anything. He expressed himself in the right way, but I have a hard time hearing anything unpleasant anyone says about me. I welled up with tears and finished mumbling to myself as I busily placed clothes into the washing machine.
Once I had gotten back to the kitchen, I wanted to eat. But not because I was so hungry. It was because eating is emotionally comforting to me. I overeat, in fact, and that’s not a good thing. Just as Lioness had his blanket, I have my food. I sat and gobbled down a plate full of eggs, sausage, and pancakes. I don’t feel better while I’m eating, instead of eating the food is a stress reliever for me. Afterward, I felt sick as a dog. Like literally, I wanted to throw it all back up. I laid down like a tick on a dog’s mane without moving.
I had mental conversations about how I should not have eaten all that food and how it didn’t actually make me feel better. It merely filled a void to be loved in a moment of feeling hurt. It’s funny to me how we use things to substitute and/or suppress what we’re really feeling. Like, wouldn’t it have been easier to say, “your words made me feel unloved and unappreciated?” Well, for me, I didn’t think that would be easier because my oldest has the syndrome of needing to have the last word, and that drives me crazy.
Anyway, if you have an emotional comfort that is not so healthy, don’t beat yourself up about it. Truth is, we all have something we use to ease the pain of whatever we’re going through or feeling at moments in our lives. Instead of using unhealthy coping methods, try something like talking it out loud, journaling, or confiding in someone you trust. I don’t know all the answers. I’m human and trying to learn emotional intelligence every day. The keyword is “trying,” which means you’re making an effort. That’s all for my personal trauma for today.
Until Next Time,