ShesThatRNspiration

Sometimes I don’t feel like doing what my heart or mind tells me to do. I’ve wanted to write about the loss of you two for a while but haven’t conjured up enough energy to do it. I am here because I saw this picture, which made me sit down and write. I’m unsure what I want to say, but here goes everything.

Since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt this emptiness, anger, and hurt that I surrender to God daily. Sometimes, I burst into tears for no reason except not being able to accept you’re not here anymore. Even now, I’ve taken so many breaks writing this because there’s so much I want to say to you, and you’ll never hear. Where did the time go? Tre, you’ve been gone almost 5 years, and Popa almost a year. Who would have thought or even imagined a father and son leaving this life in the manner both of you did. We are born and live without thinking of losing our loved ones until we do. I miss both of you so much and think about all the time I thought we had left to be and do better together.

Tre, if you could see your little girl now. She’s not so little anymore, but I still see your face in hers. I sometimes wonder how she’s really coping with your loss? You know, the things she doesn’t tell any of us. She used to talk about you a lot and say how much she missed her daddy. I think she keeps you closer to her heart rather than sharing it with us so much anymore. I’m sure she has moments where her mind wanders off to when you took her to the park and pushed her on the swing, how incredibly protective you were of her, and how she would climb in the bed and sleep with you. Oh, Tre, if you could see how incredibly beautiful and intelligent she is. She’s growing so fast, and we watch her closely, don’t worry. She stays under your mom and pop pop. She and Autumn stayed a weekend with me a little while ago. We didn’t do anything but enjoy each other’s company. We lay around watching movies, drawing, and simply being. She’s inquisitive, loves to draw like her mom, and seems to be doing well for all intents and purposes. You would be so proud of her, and Ari and Shyne watch her like a hawk. They literally think they’re her father, especially Ari, lol. She is protected, covered, and, most importantly, loved beyond measure. Nothing and no one can or will ever take your place. She will always and forever be her daddy’s girl.

Popa, you had so much potential and were trying to get it together. I asked God why He didn’t let you be who He created you to be? Why couldn’t He give you more chances to get it right? He gave me an answer, but I’ll keep that between Him and me. You are where you are supposed to be. Your assignment on this Earth was over, and I must accept that. It’s not easy, but I push through all the time. I hope to meet Walter one day so that he can get to know his dad’s side of the family. Know that he was loved by you so much. I know he wonders what happened to you and why you don’t come around anymore. One day he’ll hear the stories and see the pictures that show just how much you loved him. How hard you fought to get him and all the things you bought for him to come and live with you.

Now, your girls, well, I can see and feel the pain of your loss all over them. They don’t have to say anything. I sense it and know it. The two men in their lives they cherished are gone away forever. There’s no replacement for you in their hearts. Harold loves them unconditionally, and they are so blessed to have him stand in the gap for you as he’s done for so long. Every now and then, they post you, and Tre and I ache for them. I can’t imagine what they are feeling, having lost you so many years before, getting you back, and losing you again has done to them. I see the struggle with different things in their lives. I wish you were here to guide, advise, and protect them. So much time wasted when I think about it. Lord, give us strength.

So much loss these days. It feels suffocating at times. I sometimes feel like I’m in a dream, and one day I’ll wake up, and the people gone will magically reappear. That’s just my heart talking now. I know you’re both in Heaven with mommy having a grand time. Everyone here will be okay. We just miss y’all like crazy, so until we meet again, we’ll carry you in our hearts. Continue being our angels and watching over us.

With Much Love,

Your sister and aunt Sharon

So much emphasis is placed on so-called special occasions or holidays. Of course, I’m speaking of Valentine’s Day in particular because it is today. This is just a short reminder that you’re special every day. You don’t require a “special holiday or occasion” on the calendar to celebrate you. Do something to celebrate how awesome you are as often as you like, and as large or small as you like. Today, take a walk, buy yourself flowers, order out or cook in, take a bubble bath, have a spa day, get a Mani/Pedi. It is so important for us to remind ourselves of our worth on a daily basis. The world may not and probably will not ever give you your props or value the quality of individual you are, but you should. Never forget you are special, today, tomorrow, and even in death. Now treat yourself like it. Have a beautiful and amazing day.

I know how hard it is to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to my mom was one of the “hardest” things I think I ever had to do. I’ve been confronted with the question of whether it’s easier when you know the person is dying or when it’s unexpected? Well, for me, neither is easy. I don’t care if they have been sick and now terminal; saying goodbye is hard, and letting go is even more challenging. There is no real preparation for losing someone. It’s not like getting a will or setting up a trust. It’s a human life, not documentation. Life is precious and when you watch it slip away it’s a slow death for both the patient and the family. There aren’t enough words to make that type of pain sting-free.

What happens when you hold the decision for a person to stay at home or move into a hospice facility? Or how about whether to let them remain on life support or pull the plug? People having this type of responsibility can struggle the most. It’s a huge deal and a heavyweight to bear. There are certain factors to consider when you have to make hard choices. I have sat with this for a long time. More so since becoming a nurse and watching my patient’s family suffer through this process.

I will share the main things I think and had to come to terms with concerning making life and death decisions. First, we must start with accepting the loss and that can take some time. We then have to consider what the person (patient, family member, friend) would want. Are you honoring their wishes/desires? What does the medical professional say (brain activity, quality of life, vegetative state, hope, terminal)? And then we make a decision from there. I’ve come to realize that when our person is gone, we tend to hold on for our own selfish reasons. It doesn’t help or benefit them to just be here when there is no chance for them to have any quality of life. There is extensive cost associated with prolonging life and the main benefactor to that is the healthcare organization, not the family. Now if that individual was going to have a chance at life, then of course I’d hold on to that with all my might. But if not, as much as it would hurt, I’d have to let them go.

Sudden, unexpected or unexplained death is no easier than seeing it coming. You are blown away and left without being able to say goodbye or rendering any type of help. You are often left with a plethora of unanswered questions that may or may not ever be answered. I just can’t see how one way of dying is better than the other. It’s not and that’s that.

In the end, if you’re the person making the decision, take your time, process what you need to process, and proceed the best way you can. Hopefully, you have someone to talk to and walk through the process with you which makes it somewhat easier at times. Always remember to take care of yourself. Your mental health is important and therapists are great options for talking through things and figuring out the best coping strategies for you to handle your emotions, feelings, and mental health. Always take care of yourself. Don’t lose yourself in the process. May God bless and keep you as you get through your grief and difficult time.