I was busy today cleaning and cooking but mostly cleaning. It was getting late and I was starting to feel tired from going at it all day. My back was hurting and my knees were aching, but I forged forward to get my Christmas tree up and decorated. As I moved along moving furniture around with my youngest son’s help I was able to get it done. Afterward, I sat in the recliner looking at how beautiful the lights were on the tree. I absolutely love the lights on a tree. I used to sleep downstairs on the couch just to fall asleep watching them as a child. But as I sat there, I began to think of the last time my mom sat in that recliner looking at the same tree (it’s a beautiful artificial tree). It took me back to how I would wrap her in blankets and put her feet up so she could fall off to sleep. I began crying and praying and just being thankful at the end of it all that I had such wonderful memories to recall. It felt sad at first but when I think about all the amazing things we did like joke around with each other, laugh, sing and pray together I was able to smile. I never really ever stop to think about the things that trigger me whether it’s good or bad. Tonight, I realized that putting up the tree and sitting in the recliner triggered memories for me that made me nostalgic, that made me cry, that made me sad, and when it was said and done, it made me smile with so much adoration for the woman and mother she was. I spend so much time holding things in and making sure I don’t stop to feel things that when it happens, it’s like a total meltdown. I think many nurses experience “holding it together” in various aspects of our lives and also like many nurses we have our moments to fall apart and gracefully put the pieces back together again. Remember, it’s okay to not be okay even though much of society or family teaches us that crying is a sign of weakness and you never let em see you sweat. Honey please, sweat, cry, dry your eyes and come back stronger than ever. I hope this helped someone to know you’re not alone because there are many of us who never speak on it but it is still very much a part of how we operate. Have an incredible Monday….it is Cyber Monday so don’t go overboard spending all your money:} Peace and Blessings.
Until next time,