I was watching tv when suddenly I became overwhelmed with emotions. I was thinking about what I was facing right here and now that no one was aware of at this time. Thinking about not working a job that could pay my bills for the past 2 months. Thinking about the certified letter that came for me from my car’s finance company about making a payment before my car is repossessed. Thinking about the fact that my fridge is empty except for milk and water and my deep freezer has nothing but veggies in it. Thinking about when my last little paycheck from school nursing was going to come so I could at least make November’s car payment and just be 1 month behind instead of 2 going on 3. Thinking about literally how I was going to make a dollar out of 15 cents.
One of the things that come with being strong is bearing your burdens alone. Not having or better yet, not wanting to share the things that make you feel extremely weak, especially from the ones who think you are one of the strongest women in the world. You carry that weight alone, and you’ve become so accustomed to putting on a smile, crying in silence, and finding a way to make it to yet another day. It ain’t easy, and NO pity is required. I am, in fact, a strong woman, but that comes with its own set of characteristics, or at least I’ve mentally set myself up all my life to believe that. I think that you do what you have to do and you fake it until you make it. I believe that keeping things in and to yourself makes you stronger and less vulnerable to the world. I “KNOW” that having these types of expectations for myself leaves me more susceptible to depression, anxiety, and a downward spiral. I’m sitting here writing and thinking about a million things, but none of them consists of how “NOT” to have this “stinking thinking.”
This is how I fall into depression and anxiety, but there is light. Besides the light of God, He sends signs and wonders to remind me that I am not alone. He shows me that he always has a plan and that even amid my misery, there is a purpose to it. I’ve been praying and asking God to please not let my car get repossessed because I start my new travel assignment tomorrow (LIGHT), and I need my car to travel back and forth. I prayed that whatever is behind will be caught up without anything else drastic happening. This season of “lack” had shown me how, when I had abundance, I mismanaged my money. I can see how I could have saved so much if I had been so wasteful. Some of this lack is my fault because I became complacent and forgot what struggle felt like for a minute.
God just reminded me of a sister in Christ named Robin Kay Monk. I met her during my faith walk in North Carolina, where she was the youth minister. Robin had the meekest and mildest spirit, unlike what I used to have. She was always positive and reminded me of who I was and whose I was. Robin knew about my depression and many of my struggles because we worked together and had lots of time to really talk and engage each other. She would tell me God will never leave me or forsake me, and although weapons are formed, they will not prosper. She encouraged me to do better because of who our Heavenly Father is, and as I was writing, she came to me. So, now, I’m not crying anymore, and I can see a little clearer now. (I am a BIG crybaby)! I can make a plan and enforce it with God’s grace so that my hand will not be a part of this type of season anymore. I just shared a lot, and it’s easier because I’m not sitting face to face with anyone having to disclose my darkness. It’s also easier for me to write than to communicate verbally what I’m thinking or what I want to say. I’m working on better verbal communication in this new season so that I can be more effective in every area of my life. Thank you for sharing this moment with me. Despite all the things, I’m very grateful for being here and having what I have. Be encouraged if you are going through a season that is less than wonderful, God has not forgotten about you. Have a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
Until Next Time,