What If God?

So, this weekend was long for me but really short. I know that contradicts itself, but it’s how I felt. I got my Etsy store open, and that took a really long time to upload a bunch of pictures and add all the things you had to put in it. By the way, please go check it out at https://www.etsy.com/shop/ShesThatRNLLC. I feel like I’m fighting off a cold or something, but I’m still pushing through. I take all kinds of vitamins, Elderberry syrup, and a lot more. I usually can catch it before it lays me down on my back. I didn’t want to go days without blogging, but my body has just felt down for the count, and I’m trying to get it together.

Anyway, as I opened my Etsy shop last night, I wasn’t thrilled. I laid in bed, barely holding my eyes open, and started to talk to God. Tears welled up in my eyes because I realized that I still hold a lot of fear about being more than my mind can conceive. As I continued talking to God, I said: “thank you for just letting me do it, to just commit to getting it open.” Tears fell because I was so exhausted, but more so because I’m still trying to figure out why I’m scared of being successful. Why am I so quick to encourage and believe in other people’s dreams, and yet I’m so dismissive of my own?

As I got ready for work this morning, I was talking to God again, still with a heavy heart. I asked Him to help me to stop putting myself in a little conventional box. More importantly, I asked Him to help me not forget how BIG He IS and how He CANNOT be confined to my small thinking or little plans. Again, I dropped a few tears and thought of the poem “Our Deepest Fears” by Marianne Williamson that I’ll share right now.

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frighten us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;

It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

These words are SO, incredibly powerful, and speaks so candidly to me. My playing small and hiding under the radar serves no one, not even myself. I’ve lived in a shell, hiding from the world, trying NOT to be noticed because I was scared to be anything else. Scared to start a business, making excuses for why I can’t open the shop, why I can’t start the other business, why I can’t write my books. Hearing small whispers saying that I am not good enough, strong enough, powerful enough to emerge from the cocoon I’ve been living in. Well, to hell with that! Yup, I said what I said! I have to shine because someone else is looking at me. Someone else will break free after watching me. And someone will experience the fullness of joy by hearing how I overcame. I WILL FREE MYSELF FROM MY OWN SELF INFLICTED BONDAGE!

If you don’t remember anything else I’ve written, remember that you are powerful beyond measure. Live your life, write your books, open your business, sing your songs, dance your dance, make your millions. And even if no one supports you, likes your singing, approves of your dancing, buys a thing from your business, or purchases your book, you did it and pushed past your fears. I’m so proud of you, and I’m proud of me for holding myself accountable and getting out of this funk I’ve been in. Since I always keep myself from crying, I’m going to go ahead and lie down, and I give myself permission to release my tears tonight. So, until we meet again…

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRN