Dear Momma

Today I celebrate your life and mourn your death. This time two years ago, I remember getting the call that said you had peacefully passed away. I remember listening to the voicemail and feeling this overwhelming numbness. I couldn’t sit still because I would have to feel that pain. Instead, I went about finishing my duties at work, taking care of other people’s loved ones as the hospice nurses were doing with you. I had a million things on my mind that morning and couldn’t figure out what to do with myself. I remember leaving that morning and slowly walking to my car in the parking garage.

That was the longest walk I had taken, or at least it felt like it. I wandered down hallways, out the door, and to the car. I felt so empty inside like nothing was there. The day before, I spoke to you and sang to you even though you couldn’t respond. Your eyes were closed, and you were nonresponsive, but the hearing is the last to go. So, I felt like you could hear my voice and discern that it was me: my goodbye, your goodbye, and our goodbye. I sat in the car, and my best friend Michelle called me. When she asked me if I was okay, I replied with my usual, “yes, I’m good.” I told her I was sitting in my car. I remember sitting there for a while, just unable to move my hands and feet to drive. Michelle sat quietly on the phone without saying a word as if she knew that I had nothing to say. She didn’t try to make me talk, ask me questions, or express herself. She was just there, quietly allowing me to cry, sniffle, and whimper in peace. Thank you, Michelle!

I could go on and on about this day two years ago, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll remember you for the wonderful woman, mother, wife, sister, and friend you were. You were the “Matriarch” of the family, and there is no substitution for who you represented to all of us. My heart may still be hurting, and a void still exists, but I am blessed to always have endless memories of your greatness. Now, I know you know you weren’t perfect, but God chose you to be ideal for us, your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Say hi to Tre for me and give him a hug for me. I love you to infinity and beyond always and forever.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRN

Published by ShesThatRN

I am an RN working on my DNP, preparing to launch several aspects of my new business and writing and getting ready to publish my first book. I love to write so blogging seemed like a great way to naturally express myself and publish my journey as a nurse.

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