Internalizing Hate

I was thinking about how judgmental our society is. Whether it’s how people look, what they wear, what they say, or how they speak. Someone is always there to add their unsolicited 2 cents into the mix. I used to be that someone, but with G0d’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s conviction, I am mindful and not so quick to do this anymore. It took a long time because we become accustomed to doing it, being judgmental of others. But it lends itself to the question of “why” we do this, and I’ve had to ask myself this question.

I’m going to be transparent and use myself as a reference in much of what we talk about today. Honestly, we usually have something to say because of shortcomings in our own lives. This could stem from jealousy, envy, or because it’s been done to us so much that we have just gotten used to being this way. Now, don’t get me wrong; some people say some things because they want the best for you and want to see you grow and change. Or, they want to help you be the best version of yourself. Those people are great, and I applaud their efforts. The other ones, well, not so much. I know when I turn on social media and see naked hind parts shaking all around, I am like, “I wish they loved themselves enough not to exploit themselves.” When I see other women accomplishing big things, I have to stop myself from being jealous because I want to be where they are in my success. Don’t forget that you never know the battle and scars others had to go through in order to achieve whatever they have. And even if they didn’t go through a thing, negative thoughts will only hinder your blessings.

See, I told you I’d be transparent! Yes, I still have to stop and ask God to forgive me f0r judging my sisters and brothers. I have to ask myself, “Sharon, why are you jealous, envious, want what they have, or thinking negatively about them?” It’s then that the Holy Spirit reminds me that I am where I am meant to be at this time in my life, and that what God has for me is and will be for me at the appointed time. The same way I dislike when people judge me is the main reason I should not be judging others.

I took a picture during my sister’s photoshoot with my shirt tied up in the front and my belly hanging out. Now one might say why in the world is she taking a picture with all that stomach hanging out. And my reply is because I want to. I have allowed people to speak ill about me and over my life for much of my life. Now, if I feel good about it, then I don’t care what others think. I remember the photographer saying “Sharon, you have a sophisticated and tasteful sexiness about your look.” I guess he could tell I was second-guessing myself due to having my shirt that way and what I considered a flawed part of my body being exposed. My niece said, “Aunt Sharon, what is going on, who is this coming out?” I laughed and said, ” Oh, it’s my alter ego Shaybutter,” which really is one of my alter egos, lol.

I chose to post it because I am not a society’s picture of beauty. Maybe on the inside if you knew me, but larger women are often body shamed. We are made to feel like if you’re not skinny or small or under a size 12, you’re fat. In fact, my BMI says that I am grossly obese if you can believe it. However, I’m healthy with no medical issues besides Asthma. I also have a massive organ that has relocated to my belly. The doctor says it needs to be removed to prevent specific side effects I’m experiencing, including my stomach’s large size. I’d have to have major surgery that cuts me from one side to the other and on bed rest for 8 weeks to heal. I’m not able to do that right now.

Exercise gurus will tell you just exercise the fat away, or if I did it, you can too. Let me tell you without making excuses or minimizing anyone’s health, that everyone’s body is different. And you have to take into account more than what you see. There could be medical reasons, hormone imbalances, age, metabolism, and such, that affect one’s weight. As a nurse, I’ve taken care of smaller people who had an impeccable bill of health that had a massive heart attack, for no apparent reason, so size doesn’t always determine whether you’re healthy. I will say to talk with your doctor, make modifiable changes such as nutrition and exercise, do the work, and live your life to the fullest. All these things can help enrich your experiences and keep you well balanced and as healthy as possible.

By NO MEANS should you allow society or anyone else to body shame you. Don’t let anyone tell you who you’re not, who you should be, how pretty you are, or how healthy you are because you don’t fit into society’s small box. Whatever your size, shape, and image, be proud, be confident, and OWN it. YOU ARE ENOUGH, PERIOD!!!! I am not for everybody, but I am for somebody, and whoever doesn’t like it can pray for me. (You probably thought I was gonna say something else, lol, but nope.) I’m telling you what I do when I feel or start saying things I shouldn’t be about anyone. I say a prayer for them and ask God’s forgiveness for being hypocritical. Now, have an amazing week, and please be safe out there.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRN