Whew, chile, this is another transparent read right here and a judgment-free zone! If you’re not ready, go read the word and say a prayer because God gave this to me to share for someone else’s benefit, not mine. He’s already dealt with me and my mess, but it’s so that you can be blessed in the end. Read on…
I was sitting and listening to a word from Sara Jakes Roberts. I love listening to her because God seems to draw me to hear when there’s a specific need or specific times in my life. I can go months and months without listening to any spoken word or ministry online, and then, boom, it happens. Today I heard her talk about covenant, and God placed in my heart how important it is that we keep our covenant made between him and us. Take a walk with me down a kind of long winding road if you will.
I remember when I left Baltimore in 2005. Everything in my life seemed to be going wrong that could, and I had had enough. I left my home where I had been born and raised entirely and utterly broken, and no one knew. I just said I’m leaving, and no one believed me until I actually packed my truck with my sons and what I could carry and was gone. There, I found myself living with my mom and stepdad until my section 8 housing was ready. My mom and I had a very strained relationship. I had been holding onto a lot of unresolved hurt and anger in my heart towards both my parents. I had little to no patience with mom because of this strain. My relationship with my dad was strained, and I hadn’t been talking to him regularly. Still, we were working towards repairing what had been broken since he and my mom divorced. I felt he abandoned me in my most vulnerable state because I had a baby, and he was my everything. I attempted suicide when he left because it was hard to handle the sense of abandonment. But God! I’m still here.
When leaving, God had been working on me so much so that I was fighting. When I say fighting, I mean there was spiritual warfare waging wars in my life. Ephesians 6:12 states, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” I was in “one because there were a few” of the hardest fights of my life. I found a church home, and the work began. It was not a comfortable journey, but it required my total submission to God. It was then that I made a vow to God (a covenant) that I would be sold out for him, leave my worldly and earthly desires behind, and live for Christ. I asked him to be patient with me and asked that he would give me patience. I’ll never ask for patience again, lol (I can laugh now, but yeah no, you are tried when you ask for patience so that you’ve developed in that area). Be careful what you ask for because you may get it.
I was tested several times, especially with my mom. I remember sitting in the car one day watching her hang close on the outside clothesline as she would do. I kept looking through the side-view mirror as God kept telling me to get out the car, hug her and tell her you loved her. Well, honey, just as Jacob wrestled with God, I found myself sitting in that car going back and forth, telling God what I was and was not gonna do. I kept asking God why I had to always be the one to concede and make peace with everyone. Why he couldn’t send, the people I felt had wronged me to apologize to me. He wasn’t hearing anything I said. Instead, he just kept telling me to get out of the car and do it.
I must have sat there for I don’t know how long talking to him about it. Suddenly, like a madwoman, really Sophia from The Color Purple marched through the fields to confront Celie for telling Harpo to beat her. That’s how I looked marching back to the clothesline. I walked up to her, threw my arms around her, and said I love you. I quickly turned and walked back to the car and pulled off without giving her second to respond. It was not easy being my parent, I tell you. But this was all a part of the covenant (agreement) I made with God.
There was a lot of work to do with me. I’m sure God was and still is exhausted about his little creation in me. But he’s still so patient and loving with me as I mess up, repent, and try to get it right again. There were many moments like that with God and me, but eventually, I’d forfeit my will to his. One of the promises or covenants I’d made with God when leaving Baltimore was to remain celibate until marriage. When I came back home after graduating from college, that changed, and I forgot my promise (covenant) that I made with God. I reignited a sexual-ship with a man from my past who I’d been in lust for many years. My contract (covenant) with God had been broken after all this time of keeping it. It took 1 person to throw me off course. I need you to understand that the enemy doesn’t care who, what, where, or when an opportunity exists, only that he can use it.
After all this time, I had become enslaved to a sin that I had been set free from. All because I took my eyes off of God and placed them on this man. It only takes a split second! Just like it only takes a split second for you to have any type of collision. I became entangled in a web that overwhelmed me, had me questioning my worth, my worthiness, my looks, size, shape, just everything. I watched as my self-esteem tumbled pretty much into the toilet, and I didn’t know what to do to stop it. Years passed by, and I had been loving the wrong man.
Giving more attention, time, and love to him than to myself. It cost me dearly, let me tell you. But always remember there is a cost to breaking your covenant with God!!! I found myself crying on the floor prostrate, asking God to take him away from me even if it meant killing him. That was not the right prayer, but I was desperate and wasn’t willing to sacrifice myself. So, to me, it had to be him. I asked God why he allowed this to happen to me, he sent me a reminder. I was pregnant with my first son, and I sat with my head in my mother’s lap, asking her why God would do this to me, raise a son alone? She said to me, “Sharon, God didn’t do anything to you. He allowed you to make a choice, and you did. Now, these are the consequences of the things YOU chose to do.” Suddenly, I was back lying on my mother’s lap, resting on her legs and crying the same questions. That’s when God gave me the same answer my mom did back then.
It took a long time, and I mean many months to get to a place where I could function. Mind you, this isn’t years ago. This was two years ago just so you have a good picture of the timeframe. One year and half past, and that old gnawing in the pit of my stomach returned. Beckoning to reach out to this man again, so I did. Of course, an entanglement occurred, and I once again broke my covenant with God. This time I didn’t feel as bad about the man, but that was even worse. Why? Because now I could sit with God not feeling broken, but feeling convicted of my actions. I could see and hear God with no moans, groans, or waling going on. I tell you that it’s even worse this way because your vision is so bright, and nothing is prohibiting you from seeing anything. When I had caught on fire in June, I reached out from my hospital bed with a text telling him what had happened and that I was alright and would be coming home soon. There was utter silence! No response, no calls, no NOTHING! I remembered all the lies he’d told me about giving time, time, how we were friends, and emotionally connected. When I thought about crying, I couldn’t because this was an all to a familiar place. So, God started dealing with me.
When I tell you God, and I have had some down to earth, deep conversations, whew chile, it is that serious. God said, “once again, you broke our covenant and turned away from me. Looking for what only I can give you. And here you are again in the same place because you wouldn’t listen. I freed you from him, and you just had to go back, and now what? This time I had to make you see that he had NO real desire for you, and the hurt from no response when you could have died was the ‘icing on the cake’ sorta speak.” Here I was again acknowledging my total disregard for my heavenly father. I began praying and repenting and asking God to forgive me for turning my back on him. And every time I start to think of this man, I begin to pray and ask God to remove the thoughts.
I would often tell my sons that there is a reaction for every action, so it is also true for us adults. I shared my covenant with God with you all today, but there are all types of agreements made between people. Think about your covenants, your vow, and your promise and try to honor it with all your might. My example is not only to share how essential covenants are but also the repercussions that happen when you break them. Most importantly, it is to show you God’s unwavering love for us all. If I was God, I would have thrown me away a long time ago. Thank God I’m not and that He knew me before He placed me in my mother’s womb. It’s not easy asking for forgiveness, but it is humbling. It also reminds you to be gracious and thoughtful of others when they stumble and fall. To be forgiving and help them up with the same love that God gives you when you fail in life. I hope that something about this helps you to grow, forgive, and show more of God’s type of mercy, grace, and love.
Until Next Time,