I’ve been in a dead space lately. I mean, I’ve had a wonderful launch of my new business, and it was amazing, to say the least. I know I had been speaking about walking away from the bedside for a while, but I literally jumped out on faith and did it. I trust God to provide for my every need because He gave me permission to do it.
Okay, enough of that. I have been thinking a whole lot about my brother’s death. Yesterday, God spoke to me while I was in an emotional state. He said, “your brother received a dishonorable discharge.” I was like, whoah, God, what in the world does that mean?” As I quietly awaited a response, He shared some things with me. I’m going to share what he gave to me with you. So, when my brother died, it was a complete shock to us all. He had just been home (Baltimore) for a visit and was fine. We began worrying when no one heard from him, and he lived in North Carolina. Several days turned into weeks, and we discovered his death via social media. It was the town where my mom lived, and no more family was there except my brother.
I cried for weeks and couldn’t get myself together. I wanted to have a memorial service or something to celebrate his life. Now, my brother was not perfect by any means, and he lacked in so many areas due to so many reasons. But who am I to judge? I’m not because no one is perfect, and we all have our mess, right, right. My brother had no type of memorial or funeral service. This had/has me deeply saddened inside. I felt like there was no goodbye or finalization for losing a loved one. I thought about the life he led beyond being imprisoned for 21+ years. I mean, who he was at the core. He was loyal to a fault, old-fashioned, loved his family, loved his children, would fight for what he believed in, and so much more. I can, but won’t focus on any negatives. God truly saw the best in him! He received a dishonorable discharge because we didn’t honor his life after his death. It has been such a burden on my spirit that some days it’s hard for me to do anything but cry. I took some of his ashes and still have not placed them in the urn I purchased because I haven’t been able to bear it. Putting him away is so final, and I just struggle with how he died and that he died alone with no one there. And still, he is not even a second thought anymore. He is just gone.
I don’t know what I expect(ed) because memorials and funerals are for the living, not the dead. He is gone and not worried about anything anymore. But here I am, having to say goodbye without saying goodbye. There was no opportunity to verbally say a word, or goodbye, or I love you. I will come to terms eventually and have my own memorial service for him and hopefully put things to rest in my mind and heart. For now, I just feel that he was given a dishonorable discharge which I think happens only when there is no one left who cares about you. I will have to give him an honorable discharge in my own way to have peace within myself. I don’t know any other way to do it. As for today, I will continue to pray and ask God to rid me of my paralysis so that I can honor his life and legacy the way I know he would honor mine. No matter what, he was a son, brother, proud father, and even more, proud grandfather, friend, family, boyfriend, and best friend to many people, which should not be forgotten.
Moment of thought to ponder on: What kind of life are you living? Is it one that will be remembered, good or bad? Will you be a first thought, second thought, or thought at all in anyone’s mind? What will people say about you, or will you just die and have no one to care about your life or the fact that you died. I know you won’t care once you’re gone, but it’s something to consider if you’d like. Do with it what you please I’m just sharing my thoughts.
Farewell, my Brother, affectionately known as Popa
Until Next Time,