Tre,
There are two things in my life that I pride myself on being the best that I can be at. That is a mother and an aunt. Now, grant it, I’m a daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, best friend, godmother, and so much more. But nothing makes me feel my absolute best or worse than being Marcus and Greg’s mom and being your Aunt Sharon along with your sisters and cousins. I thought I had the worse loss when we lost your grandmother, but to lose you a month later was an extreme loss for me. Part of being an adult is knowing that one day you’ll lose your mom and dad at some point probably before you go. But no one imagines losing their child and for me their nephew before them. That still leaves burning in my chest. I have, to be honest, Tre, I try not to think about you and your grandmother being gone. I’m not too fond of nausea, heartburn, and knots that develop in my throat. I try to fight back the tears when it happens, but tonight. Tonight, I lost it and let myself feel it all the way. My waling and crying turned to screams and exaggerated cries that were uncontrollable. I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe Amiyah is growing up without you. I can’t fathom your mother and sisters had to experience such enormous pain. It’s all really unimaginable to me still. I mean, I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you’re gone. But tonight, I screamed out until there was nothing left but a whisper. My neighbors probably thought someone was doing something to me.
If I’m honest, I was so angry with God for allowing you to be taken and in such a horrific way. I often think about what your last thoughts were, or if you even had any at that moment, did you have any pain, or was it instant? I didn’t mean to yell at God tonight, but I did. I told him I don’t understand! I didn’t then, and I still don’t understand it now. People say don’t question God or ask why, but I did tonight. He may never answer me, but I pray that He will give me some comfort eventually. That my heart won’t hurt so bad. That I won’t be so angry about it. That I will actually let go and let God. As for now, I’ll keep talking to Him about it in hopes that my heart will mend. I will NEVER forget you. How can I? you’re my Tre Tre! You and Marcus were more like brothers rather than cousins. This year we did nothing to celebrate your birthdays. Marcus is still having a tough time with it and feels the empty void so profoundly. I try to help him, but I don’t know-how. Especially when I can’t seem to help myself.
You trusted me with “Meaty” who’s thinning out and told me I’m Amiyah Aisha Alton. She will forever be loved and cared for. She will always be reminded of the great daddy she had and how much you loved her. Don’t worry, we are looking after her. I can hear your voice telling me different things when I would ask about taking her places. I still chuckle at that. I miss you so much, baby. You don’t know how much and the boys. Well, they miss their Uncle Tre. I try to get Marcus to step up and fill in the gaps. He’s trying to cope and not doing so well, but I still believe he’ll be there for them and with them. Damn it! My heart hurts, and I’m not comforted knowing you and gran are watching over all of us. I love you, Treston…always and forever, your Aunt Sharon will carry your spirit with her forever and ever. Fly high baby, spread your wings, and give your grandmother a hug for me. Tell her to turn around and give you a hug for me. I love and miss the heck out of both of you.
Until Next Time,
ShesThatRN (Aunt Sharon)
ShesThatRNspiration 