Hard Time Shaking It

I really hate it when I feel this way. My spirit gets an eerie heaviness to it, and I can’t seem to shake it. My mind is tired, and I get incredibly irritated. I start my day off with prayer and meditation and ask God to create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit in me. I literally talk to myself and explain that I am in control of how I react to whatever happens during my day. I can be doing fine one minute, and the next all hell breaks loose inside me. I don’t always know where it comes from or how it happens, but it happens. Sometimes, I can step away and cry or pray and be alright. Today, however, wasn’t one of those days. Today toward the mid-afternoon, I was overcome with this awkward heavy and ugly spirit. I wasn’t mean or anything, but I felt ugly inside. There was something brewing, and I felt no control over it.

What I’ve come to learn is that spirits move from person to person and place to place. Perhaps it was something in the air or in someone that placed a hold on me. The patients were more irritable in the afternoon, the computers went down, and I felt like I was just over it. I was ready to go home and to contemplate whether I even felt like exercising or not. But that WILL happen! Why? Because it helps me work out some of this stress, tension, or whatever you want to call it. All I know is I want it to be gone. I come home, and my son’s been in my room, and it’s not EXACTLY the way I left it. So, now I’m even more agitated. (I have OCD) and things have to be the way I want them and leave them. I can spot a square of toilet paper out of place. That’s how bad I am about my things. Ever since yesterday, when I sat in that waiting room, and the memory appeared on my phone with me and my mom, I’ve not felt too good. I shed a few tears, but sometimes when I miss her a whole, whole lot, I have to have a, sure enough, good cry. I can feel it coming on because my tear ducks have been filled for a few hours now, and I haven’t let it go. So, once I work out and I’m in the shower, I hope to God that I can just scream, holler, cry, or whatever it takes because I need to let it go.

I MISS MY MOMMY! Don’t judge me. I’m grown as the dickens but never to grown to miss my ace, my heart, my best friend. I think about all the things she’ll miss with me. Like meeting my future husband, helping me pick out my wedding gown, or watching me come down the aisle. What hurts the most are the moments when I would just call her, or if I was there with her, I’d just lay my head in her lap or on her shoulder and ask her to pray for me. And like the prayer warrior she was, she would commence to interceding for me. She never asked what it was for or why. She never needed to know unless I just started telling her. She was only concerned with the fact that her baby (oldest daughter, but still her baby) required her to call out to God on her behalf. I’ll never have that again, and boy, do I miss it. There’s no place like home, they say. Well, part of my home and heart has gone on to be the Lord. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell! It hurts like hell! I’ll be back after I exercise, but for now, I’m out:(

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRN

Published by ShesThatRN

I am an RN working on my DNP, preparing to launch several aspects of my new business and writing and getting ready to publish my first book. I love to write so blogging seemed like a great way to naturally express myself and publish my journey as a nurse.

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