Story Time…

I’m about to talk about what I don’t usually talk about because like most things, if you’re not actually “that person, working in that profession, or on that job” you tend not to relate, understand, or empathize with what and how people feel about certain things. My blog, however, is a form of therapy for me because I can sometimes very cautiously share parts of myself with the world and hope it helps someone along the way.

Being great at what God has called you to do seems like a blessing and a curse. Now I know God hasn’t cursed me with what He has blessed me with, but I have to be honest and tell you that it sometimes feels that way. I consider myself a damn good nurse and I don’t say that with conceit or a bragging spirit. I may have struggled much of my life with not feeling worthy or knowing my self-worth, but I know I’m a good nurse. I pay attention, advocate, and go over anyone’s head if it means tending to the health and well-being of my patients.

But let me tell you how hard it is sometimes mentally. I’m not, nor have I ever been the type of person to blow things off and just say oh well. I also don’t like whining. If people could understand how deeply things affect me, I would probably share more. But they don’t and because I’m a so-called “independent, strong woman” whenever I express myself I’m told “It’ll be okay; you’ll be alright; this is your ministry; it’s not about you, it’s about your patients;” which may all be true. Now think about this. If someone came up to you after losing your parent and said “It was in God’s will; at least she/he is in heaven; it was for the best; they’re not in any more pain.” How would that make you feel as you go through grieving and processing a great loss? I can tell you that people don’t always think before they speak. They don’t consider how WHAT they say or HOW they say it may affect the person. And all of these poor responses although done with good intentions can cause a person to shut down or internalize everything instead of talking about it and letting it go.

Here’s a story…A nurse came to work and as soon as she came on, she felt an overwhelming sense that tonight would be hard to handle. Her load was filled with giving meds all night long and patients that required a lot of care. All but one patient was high acuity and then the nurse was told they’d be getting an admission. The nurse went into her secret closet, which at the moment, was the nutrition room to pray, and ask God for strength. After getting the report, they hit the floor running. The nurse was going so much that they needed to go to the bathroom but didn’t have a chance to go until after 1 am. Mind you the shift starts at 7 pm. The admission showed up already in some distress, but it was somewhat manageable. The patient managed to fall asleep after getting medication and additional care.

The nurse continued tending to the needs of ALL of her now 4 patients. It was 4 am and she finally had a few minutes to sit and woof down a salad she brought before having to draw a.m. labs and give morning medications. She had only gotten 3 small bites of salad off her fork when she heard the call bell. She got up to answer and it was her patient calling in distress. She dropped the phone and ran down the hall. She found her patient was going downhill fast, quick, and in a hurry. She notified the doctor to get to the bedside NOW. She forgets about professionalism when it comes to advocating for her patients. The patient kept asking the nurse “What is happening to me,” and begging the nurse not to let him die. The nurse assured the patient that she wouldn’t leave him and would do everything she could to ensure he got the care he needed.

The doctor arrived but was nonchalant about the next steps to help this patient. The nurse thought it best to call a Rapid Response to get a whole team of healthcare providers to assist in the care of this patient. The doctor kept saying he didn’t think it was necessary and it was probably just from his primary diagnosis. But who is there with the patient for the entire shift? Who sees the subtle and great changes taking place with their patients? Who pays attention to the patient and not just look at the clinical picture (vital signs, labs, etc.)? I’ll tell you who, the nurse who is present and is the best ally to any physician who comes to the bedside when necessary. The nurse is the doctor’s eyes, and ears and when they discredit what the nurse sees, feels, hears, and knows about their patients, the doctor does a great disservice to themselves, but more importantly to their patients.

The nurse never leaves the patient’s side. Once the patient’s condition got worse, the doctor explains what happens next, the risks, and possible outcomes. The patient kept staring at the nurse with a look that said “Please help me as if they were lost and needed guidance.” That look is called “TRUST.” Patients trust that nurses have their best interests at heart because nurses are at the bedside with the patients. They develop a bond if you will. This patient and nurse were the only African Americans in the room besides the patient care tech. One of the other healthcare providers who observed the doctor explaining things looked at me and said could you please talk to the patient and try to explain things to him in a way he might better understand. Then maybe we can see what the patient would like to do. The nurse had already planned on doing that, and once the doctor finished she hurried to the patient’s side. The nurse began explaining things to the patient in a way the patient could understand.

Some other things happened with this patient, but had this nurse not stayed on top of things, and gone with her gut about the best proactive measures to save her patient’s life, he probably would have succumbed. The patient was taken off the unit for additional care.

The nurse was left in tears when it was all said and done. She questioned so many things but knew she had done what she could with what she had. She went alone in a room and just cried. She told God she couldn’t do it anymore, that it was too hard. She had complaints, sorrow, pain for her patient and his possible outcome, and so many more emotions bubbling up in her. She heard a still voice in her head that said “This is why you’re here and had you not been here tonight, he would have died.” Well, she cried even more thinking about how selfish it is of her to constantly complain about the ministry God had given her; the many burdens she bore on behalf of her patients; and how she felt after life and death events. The nurse’s heart was in the right place, but her posture needed some readjusting. She sat alone, prayed, and cried some more. Then she straightened her crown and got back to her other patients. Her shift was almost over and she was running around trying to play catch up.

As the nurse took her drive home, she fought back the tears that were consuming her tear ducts until she couldn’t hold it anymore. As she drove down the beltway she sobbed and talked to God about all that happened and how it all made her feel. Surely no one would understand her feelings. No one would empathize with a “strong, independent woman who’s so blessed.” So, it was just her and God, and every time someone asked about her night, she replied “It was good or it was alright” knowing it was not. When she returned to work the next night, she checked on the patient and he wasn’t doing well. He was in critical condition. This broke the nurse’s heart and she cried again as she prayed and asked God to take care of him and his family. It was all she could do at the time. She stopped and asked God to touch her heart and give her peace so that she could give her full self to the patients entrusted to her for this shift. And off to the races she went yet again being God’s Angel here on Earth. The nurse stopped by and saw the patient while returning an item he left behind. She spoke to him even though he wasn’t conscious and told him she was praying for him. She then stopped, touched his shoulder, and began praying over him. Then she quietly said goodbye until the next time.

As a nurse, I have good and bad days. I have patients and families who rely on me to make quick, critical decisions and give compassionate, high-quality care. I take it seriously and some days I come to work I feel like I don’t have it in me. Honestly, in the last several months, I’ve developed bad anxiety when it is time to go to work. I mean to the point that I have physical symptoms and start feeling sick. I know I have work to do and purpose to fulfill within God’s plan. So, I continue to ask Him for help to maneuver this sometimes tedious journey.

What I’d like my readers to remember is everyone needs grace and understanding. It’s easy to get upset with healthcare workers and think we are all invincible, but we are not. We are called superheroes but please be mindful that we have hearts that do more than just beat a sinus rhythm. We have personal lives we leave at home with all the worries and woes to come in and take care of you and your family. Sometimes we may look stressed, depressed, happy, or angry, but we try NOT to be so human to neglect ourselves to give you the best of whatever we have left even when we don’t feel we have it to give. Now, I don’t mean the nasty people who get into nursing and healthcare and don’t know how to treat people because they are miserable human beings. There are always exceptions to the rules, but for the most part, we love what we do and why we do it. Many times when I’m down, my patients unknowingly make me smile and forget my problems.

Let’s just be mindful that we are ALL human and be nice. We don’t know what the next person is going through or feeling and if they are nurses (I can only speak to what I know because of who I am), I can tell you that what we do is not easy. It often leaves us unable to give to our own loved ones anything because we come home completely depleted. I truly hope this touches someone in some way for the better and may God continue to keep us all in love.

Until Next Time,