The Cost of Being Strong

I was watching tv when suddenly I became overwhelmed with emotions. I was thinking about what I was facing right here and now that no one was aware of at this time. Thinking about not working a job that could pay my bills for the past 2 months. Thinking about the certified letter that came for me from my car’s finance company about making a payment before my car is repossessed. Thinking about the fact that my fridge is empty except for milk and water and my deep freezer has nothing but veggies in it. Thinking about when my last little paycheck from school nursing was going to come so I could at least make November’s car payment and just be 1 month behind instead of 2 going on 3. Thinking about literally how I was going to make a dollar out of 15 cents.

One of the things that come with being strong is bearing your burdens alone. Not having or better yet, not wanting to share the things that make you feel extremely weak, especially from the ones who think you are one of the strongest women in the world. You carry that weight alone, and you’ve become so accustomed to putting on a smile, crying in silence, and finding a way to make it to yet another day. It ain’t easy, and NO pity is required. I am, in fact, a strong woman, but that comes with its own set of characteristics, or at least I’ve mentally set myself up all my life to believe that. I think that you do what you have to do and you fake it until you make it. I believe that keeping things in and to yourself makes you stronger and less vulnerable to the world. I “KNOW” that having these types of expectations for myself leaves me more susceptible to depression, anxiety, and a downward spiral. I’m sitting here writing and thinking about a million things, but none of them consists of how “NOT” to have this “stinking thinking.”

This is how I fall into depression and anxiety, but there is light. Besides the light of God, He sends signs and wonders to remind me that I am not alone. He shows me that he always has a plan and that even amid my misery, there is a purpose to it. I’ve been praying and asking God to please not let my car get repossessed because I start my new travel assignment tomorrow (LIGHT), and I need my car to travel back and forth. I prayed that whatever is behind will be caught up without anything else drastic happening. This season of “lack” had shown me how, when I had abundance, I mismanaged my money. I can see how I could have saved so much if I had been so wasteful. Some of this lack is my fault because I became complacent and forgot what struggle felt like for a minute.

God just reminded me of a sister in Christ named Robin Kay Monk. I met her during my faith walk in North Carolina, where she was the youth minister. Robin had the meekest and mildest spirit, unlike what I used to have. She was always positive and reminded me of who I was and whose I was. Robin knew about my depression and many of my struggles because we worked together and had lots of time to really talk and engage each other. She would tell me God will never leave me or forsake me, and although weapons are formed, they will not prosper. She encouraged me to do better because of who our Heavenly Father is, and as I was writing, she came to me. So, now, I’m not crying anymore, and I can see a little clearer now. (I am a BIG crybaby)! I can make a plan and enforce it with God’s grace so that my hand will not be a part of this type of season anymore. I just shared a lot, and it’s easier because I’m not sitting face to face with anyone having to disclose my darkness. It’s also easier for me to write than to communicate verbally what I’m thinking or what I want to say. I’m working on better verbal communication in this new season so that I can be more effective in every area of my life. Thank you for sharing this moment with me. Despite all the things, I’m very grateful for being here and having what I have. Be encouraged if you are going through a season that is less than wonderful, God has not forgotten about you. Have a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

Looking Back

I know that we often say you don’t look back, keep looking forward. But, sometimes, it’s essential to look back so you can evaluate things and get a grasp on what needs more work. I’ve been doing just that in many aspects of my 2019. Some takeaways for myself are: Creating more creative space for myself, stop waiting for the perfect moment that doesn’t exist, jump out of the plane and stop standing there wondering, do the things that my fear keep telling me not to do, become better at communicating within the areas of relationship, and speak my truth.

I fill myself with so much that nothing gets done, and so I want to be more specific about the space I create to grow and flourish in my gifts. I’m always waiting for the perfect situation or circumstance to do or take action. I know that perfection doesn’t exist except in my mind, so I have to do a better job of just getting things done. I stand at the edge of the plane with a parachute and an all clear, stuck in place. I’m stuck because I’m afraid to jump because fear gives me a million reasons why I shouldn’t. Fear shows me endless things that could go wrong, and I stand there stuck, in place, without moving. Even with the ideas previously mentioned, they all lead back to one thing, “FEAR.” I was raised with fear, raised in fear, and can’t really remember being told that “I could do things” instead, I was told what I couldn’t do and why I wouldn’t be able to do them. I say to myself, “well, Sharon, you’re an adult, and you know better, so do better,” but deep inside, there are things from my childhood and growing up that remains a thorn in my side. These are the things that keep me from being the best version of myself. And communication is no different because that is linked to fear as well. Scared to open up and tell my story, to share my thoughts and opinions, to say what and how I feel about things…that all comes from fear. Whether it’s fear of being shut down, shut up, made to feel less than, or fear of being judged, they all hinder my growth.

I don’t have answers about what to do except for me to do! Stop thinking so much, and do! I guess when I’m aware of what’s going on, I can give myself a good swift kick in the butt and remind myself of how great, excellent, loving, and kind I am. And just how much I have to offer to the world and how important what I have to say really is to somebody even if it’s only 1 person. So, here I am, being transparent, sharing some pieces of me without really overthinking about it. That’s how I want to be moving forward. I spend too much time worrying about what people will think of me, how they’ll look at me, or, more precisely, how they’ll judge me. I am unequivocally ME, and there is no one God created to be, look like act like or love like me. I’m still learning to accept that and enjoy this ride called life. Here’s to continuing a lifelong journey of love.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

It’s Christmas Eve

Hello fellow bloggers and followers. It’s Christmas Eve, and I have been sitting here crocheting and catching up on my shows. I love “The Resident and All Rise.” I would typically get up around 4am to workout. However, since I’m still up, I’m going to just workout now before I go to sleep, which probably won’t be another 2-3 hours. So, what are your plans for today? Do you have last-minute shopping, decorating, prepping dinner, or just relaxing? I don’t have anything to do, thank goodness. My sons don’t require much, and I don’t have enough right now to give gifts right now. That’ll come a little later for my Amiya, Ari, and Shyne. They’re the only ones getting gifts. My youngest just wanted to go to ATL to see the fight and hang out with friends, so that’s what he’ll be doing. I’m not cooking so I’ll probably go visiting and making plates or maybe not. It really depends on how I feel and whether I want to get up and get out. Otherwise, I’ll be lying around watching my Christmas stories on tv. This is my absolute favorite season because I can find a Christmas movie on so many channels. I’m really mushy and sentimental, so I love watching those kinds of shows. Well, I guess that’s all for now, but I hope that you and your families have a safe and amazing Christmas Eve.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

Drunken Nights

Listen, I don’t get out that often but I went out Saturday night. I did something I knew better than to do, I mixed my drinks. OMG, I won’t tell you how awful I felt, but I will say that I’m not doing that again. What a horrible storm I brought about that night. I can say this though, I am so glad to have the friends or should I say the family that I have because they made sure I was okay. Things went to the left real quick, and they made it right. I got home safe and sound with a horrific hangover the next day. I was able to think a lot while just lying there to keep my head from spinning. You know we go through life sometimes with people we don’t always show enough appreciation to and/or for. Even though I’m closed off most of the time, living in my own little world, I need to acknowledge my friends family more.
Appreciate the ones who are there for you, who love you when you are at your worse, who applaud you when you are at your best, and who will walk through hell and back with you. I have an incredible, loving support system who loves me no matter what, and I can be a handful, trust me. Drunken nights can lead to a lot of regrets and wishes to do over or better. Instead, I reached out and made my apologies. I was forgiven with no questions asked because the people I love, love me back, regardless. So, I cherish each of you, and you know who you are from the youngest to the oldest. Thank you for loving me. I love you:)

Broken Heart

There are many reasons my heart has been broken, but one that is a loss that still stings like it was yesterday. That is the loss of my mom. All the reasons for discord can never add up to all the moments of joy I remember sharing with her. This came after she became sick with cancer. Before her disease, we had started our healing place, but it really came as she began to decline. This picture of she and I came up on my Facebook timeline, and I burst into tears. I think about her all the time, but I try to avoid looking at pictures of things that remind me of her.

Being a nurse and, more importantly, “her nurse” was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in life. She “chose” me to be her Medical POA, and it was a responsibility I didn’t take lightly. I had to make the tough choices that often caused feuds between my siblings and me. But all I wanted to do is respect whatever my mother’s wishes were, even if it meant I was an unfavorable child. When I saw this picture, I could remember that she was happy and content with being in her room with her heater blowing and boy did it get hot in there lol. I recalled a time later on when she wasn’t doing so well, and I came over to see her. We were sitting beside each other on the side of the bed. She laid her head on my shoulder and said: “Sharon, I’m tired, and I’m ready to go home and be with the Lord.” I remember thinking, I understand, ma, but I’m not ready to lose you, but I never said a word. I told her, “Ma, I haven’t been the perfect daughter, and I’ve messed up a lot, but I’m sorry for anything I ever did to hurt you or cause you pain. I love you.” She replied, “Sharon, thank you, baby, and I know. I’m sorry for anything I did to hurt you because I love you, and Lord knows I tried to do the best I could to raise you right.” As her head laid on my shoulder, I put my head on hers. We sat there together quietly. I wrapped my arm around her and fought back the tears. I wished with everything in me that I could stop her pain, but it wasn’t a physical ailment. Her pain was mental anguish due in part to her dementia.

Mentally, she was tired, she couldn’t remember things, and that made her cry a lot. Sometimes she couldn’t get out the words she wanted to say because she’d forget them midsentence. She was sad because she couldn’t drive anymore or do for herself completely the way she had once done. It was like she was in a bubble that wouldn’t break. And she didn’t have the freedom to live as she had been accustomed to. All the while, it was unbearable to watch without being emotional. I remember one day she stole the keys to her minivan and went driving. She demanded my nieces leave her alone because she said: “I’m not crazy and knew how to drive.” They called me and told me, “gran just drove off in the van and wouldn’t say where she was going.”

Meanwhile, I went to where she loved to be, by the water. She was at Flying Point Park parked in a handicapped spot talking to herself when I walked up. She didn’t see me until I was at the window and said, “Ma, why did you drive off like that and not tell anybody where you were going.” She exclaimed because I’m grown, and I knew how to get here.” We laughed and I explained that if something happened she may get confused in the excitement and forget how to reach us. I told her I was taking her license and keys because she can’t be driving by herself because if she got lost, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. She told me, “follow me when we leave here, I bet you I can find my way back home. I know how to get here and back to the house.” I said okay and for the most part she did. She got a little turned around but managed to get us back to the house. I still took her keys and license though, lol. Oh, the memories I have to last a lifetime, but that’s what we’re supposed to do. We are supposed to create memories that we can reminisce on and carry with us for the rest of our lives. I used to joke with her about finding her a man. We have tons of videos of her and me carrying on, and I watch them because it’s the one time I can crack up laughing.

I started off crying and sad writing this, but letting out some of the hurt with my words allowed me to release it and enjoy the good memories. There are no words that can really be said to comfort me when I’m like this, but having someone to share it with helps a lot. If you’ve lost someone, all I can say is find some comfort in your good memories and find someone to talk to who will “LISTEN,” which is a rare commodity. Thank you for stopping to read my story and share my experience. Have the rest of a great day.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

No Regrets

I will say that I am the hardest on Sharon, that’s me. My mind is constantly going 100 miles a minute trying to figure out my life. There are the things I AM doing, the things I’ve DONE, and the things I am GOING to do. I often find myself in the past zone where I’m thinking about the would’ve, could’ve and should’ve. What does thinking about that do for you? Well, I know it depresses the hell out of me because I can’t undo what’s been done. It just adds to my stress level and is preventable if I just STOP thinking about it. Living in regret hinders you from moving forward in your purpose. It’s like not seeing the sun shine because you’re too busy staring at the moon.

When you’re blessed with a new day, it comes with so much more than that. It comes with brand new mercies, grace, a chance to do things differently, a chance to grow, and a chance to offer yourself forgiveness. We all make mistakes but living in them is counterproductive to progress. So, the next time you think about what happened yesterday, last week, last month or last year, please remind yourself that today is what matters and focus in on that. There is so much joy in today, so much promise in today, so much life to live in today. Regret brings pain, feel it if you must, but then release it into the atmosphere. Close your eyes, take a deeeeeep breath and allow your lungs to expand fully, then sloooooooooowly blow all the way out. Now open your eyes and smile…..I’m glad to be a part of this journey with you:)

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

Got My Snow

Good day everybody. Although I had a restful night I’m sleepy this morning. But guess what? I opened my front door to a snow covered car and the snow still coming down. It was such a beautiful site to see and believe me I’ve been waiting for it. There is something about the snow that is calming. The air feels clean, the sky looks brighter, and it sounds amazingly quiet outside. I can just stand outside and listen to the nothing that exists when it snows. This is my last week of school nursing. I’ll be starting a new travel nurse assignment right after Christmas. I’m excited to say the least. School nursing gets me by in the meantime, in between times but there’s nothing like bringing home a regular check. I don’t see how people live off of this money because I sure can’t. Grateful to have something to keep me through the wait, but yeah I’m excited to get back to a regular check. This is the last week for the kids before the holiday as well so they’re just bubbling over with joy I’m sure. How many have to work through the holidays or during the holidays? I’m glad that as a travel nurse I can specify what I want before accepting a position. So, for a while now, I’ve been fortunate to get assignments that require no weekends, holidays, or on-call. Yay me because for years I’ve worked every holiday and missed out on a lot of moments with my children. Any who, lol, this week I’m focusing on keeping my peace. Not gonna let anyone make me sick, take me out of character, or want to hurt something. This week my focus will be more on praying that God’s perfect peace surrounds me and keeps me. Too much to lose when you step outside of the boundaries you’ve set for yourself. So, keep your peace today and don’t let anyone break it. Be blessed:)

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

End of Week Recap

I’m sitting here in my living room in the dark except for my Christmas tree lights listening to Soulful Christmas Songs on YouTube. There’s something about being quiet that allows you to put things into perspective. This Christmas I don’t have the financial means to do all the things I’ve done for my love ones like I used to but they will always have me. I’m their gift this year and every year. I have so many things on my mind that if I allowed it, I could be drawn in a downward spiral of doom and gloom. Instead, this evening I’m just sitting here saying thank you Lord for being here. It’s not about the gifts, the money, or any of the things the holiday is associated with. It’s about the birth of Jesus who came to save us from our sins and allow us to choose life over death. I’ve chosen to live in peace and harmony today. I realized after a week of people pushing my buttons and my reacting in a way that caused me more stress, that my reaction is what caused my stress. I have to remember to stop, breath, and let things go. So, the other night when I got into it with my neighbor and couldn’t sleep the whole night, my mind hurted because I couldn’t let it go. With all the praying I did that night my neighbor has been being more considerate and things have fallen into place. But more importantly, I decided that no matter what she did I was not going to react negatively about it. I was not going to allow someone to change my character or cause me to revert back to the old version of myself. I’ve been at peace since then.

I went to the Christmas party with my nurse family last night and had an amazing time. It was wonderful seeing them and exchanging gifts and we played “Chinese Auction” with two boxes of wine. Well I picked a beautiful Rose wine and it was stolen, lol. I ended up with a dark red wine that I can’t drink because it worsens my migraines. However, I will gift it to someone so they can enjoy it but the game and thought was nice anyway. Jordan (the nurse manager) is so much a part of her unit that its pretty refreshing to see and experience. Every family has its problems and they are no different, but just like family they work through it. It’s just a wonderful atmosphere to be a part of. When I got home I was so sleepy I took a shower and layed down. I tried to update my phone because it said ITunes needed to download and update. Well, fell asleep only to awaken to having my phone crash during the download. It was about midnight and I asked my son to try and help me. The phone was stuck and wouldn’t do anything including cut off or on. He said “Ma, you’re gonna have to go to the Apple store tomorrow.” I drifted back off to sleep and woke up around 2 a.m. and went on Apple support to figure out what I could do. It told me that my phone was going to have to be restored to default settings. I was like OMG I’m gonna lose everything. I went on and restored it and then it said I had backed it up yesterday and I could restore to those settings. Hallelujah, I wasn’t going to lose everything after all. I backed it up and it restored all my things. I did have to delete and reinstall a few apps that wouldn’t work, but who cares, I was happy to do that. I woke up tired but happy my phone was working. Today is my nephew Shyne’s birthday and he turns 8. When I tell you my nieces, nephews, great niece and great nephews mean the world to me. They are a huge deal to me. I helped raise them and they bring my heart so much joy. He’s my big boy and so handsome. He got a haircut and is looking sharp as a tack today for his birthday. He’s having a hotel party with 3 of his closest cousins and my youngest son. They love my son Greg, he’s a big deal to them and they are to him. Now, I’m home alone in a house me and Greg cleaned before I dropped him off to the hotel and quietly listening to Christmas music.

I said all that to say that the end of my week has turned out so much better than the beginning. I’m at peace and feeling good inside. I miss the hell out of my mom, but she’s smiling down on me from Heaven so that makes me feel especially warm inside. I miss my nephew Tre who was taken too soon. He and my oldest son Marcus were born on the same day. There birthday is coming up and that is always so rough right after going without him during the holidays. My son hasn’t gotten over it and is still very much grieving his death. They always shared their birthdays together since they were born. This is the second year without him. He is also in Heaven smiling down on us and making sure we’re good. I hope that no matter what this week has thrown at you, you take some time to sit quietly and reflect on it. Think about what you did, didn’t do, could have done differently to result in more peace in your life. I’m going to wash some clothes and drink a glass of wine and just chill. It’s just me, myself and I tonight and I love it. How about you? What are you doing tonight? Are you all ready for Christmas? Is your tree already up and presents wrapped? I’m going to take a picture of me lying under the tree because that’s everyone’s gift this Christmas LOL! Have an amazing night everyone and a great beginning to your new week. Peace and Blessings to all:)

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration

Ready For The Weekend

Y’all I don’t mean no harm but I’m ready for the weekend. I have the pleasure of leaving my “now” job and going to the secret Santa party with my “nurse friends/family” from my last travel nurse assignment. I’ve worked many jobs in my lifetime but I have to say that the last assignment as an Oncology nurse in Delaware was by far my very best experience. The women I worked with are worth this mention in my blog because they are truly amazing. I went to this specialty because I lost my mom to breast cancer, but never in a million years did I expect to find nurses of this caliber. I mean maybe a few but not all and these women are the exception to the rule. As a nurse I’ve met both good and bad nurses and that simply depends on an individual’s perception of good and bad. They trained me, took their time, answered endless questions, stepped in when I found myself lost, helped when I asked, jumped in when emergencies occurred, and never once did they snap at me or make me feel like I was being a nuisance (believe me I was too, lol). I did 3 months with them and then they asked me to extend an additional 3 months. So, for 6 months I worked tirelessly alongside some fine women and medical doctors that gave me a new perspective on “Holistic” care. To me, holistic care doesn’t mean “not taking medication” it means caring for patients as a whole, mind, body, and spirit. It’s sitting and listening to them, sharing in their special moments, allowing them to cry when they need it, giving out hugs and dealing with them gently when they lash out at you because of their personal issues in life. I watched them be professional and gracious with the care they provided. They knew their patients by name and a lot of the patients would come in and ask for a particular nurse. Why? Because of the trusting relationship they have personally developed with that nurse. I too was able to build relationships and love on my patients. I had ones that would come in and ask that I take care of them.

Oncology is not an easy area to work in but it comes with its own rewards. And when I saw how just about all the patients had such wonderful, loving dispositions despite all they were going through, it gave me hope for the world we live in. Sarah, Pamela, Miranda, Kelli, Brooke, Sheila, Jessica, Mary Lynn, Marie, Anne Marie, Nicole, Kirsten (Amazing MA), Tatiana (Amazing MA), Jordan (Manager), and Dr. Simpson (My Absolute Favorite Dr.). These women inspire me and make me want to be even better than I already am. They come in, work hard, and don’t complain. So, if you ever have the pleasure of meeting them, you’ll know you’ve been touched by an Angel. I believe in giving people their roses while they are still living and I want to give a special shout out to this magnificent team of Oncology nurses and Dr. whom I’ve grown to love and care for. Here’s to you ladies and although I’ll probably never ever find this type of familial atmosphere again, I can still be hopeful that there are more like you out there:) Happy Holidays to you and your families:)

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, I knew a girl who was sweet and loving and kind. She helped to take care of everyone she knew. She even assisted her mom when she took care of her dying mother and aunt who had cancer. This little girl couldn’t think of anything more than how wonderful she felt giving to other people. So, she grew up doing just that. As a teenager, she was always protecting and caring for others. And as an adult, she cared for her family, nieces, nephews, and accumulated many adopted children in different states. She was so busy caring for and about others that she didn’t matter to herself. One day she left home to pursue her dream of becoming a nurse. She did this with so much pride and humility. Yes, you can have both and she exemplified both. As hard as it would have seemed to have been she was blessed to have it easy through the hard times too. She was able to graduate nursing school with honors. It was very hard for her to find her first nursing job and it was far from home, but she commuted to work everyday spending many hours in traffic. It was her passion and her dream come true. She has since worked in many capacities in nursing. She has never lost her love for nursing just for the politics of it all. She still operates in her gift of giving and being a nurse. She has absolutely no regrets about her choices and she would choose it all over again if she had too. She feels so blessed to be able to do what she does every day and thanks God for his tender mercies, kindness and grace towards her daily. Hopefully, if you haven’t already done so, you’ll find your love and passion. You’ll embrace the thing that makes you want to get up and go to work every day or start your own business, or mentor/coach someone who’s trying to get where you are. My hope is that you realize the gift in you and walk in your purpose. This little girl in this story is “ME” and I pray that you find yourself and be the best version of that self you possibly can.

Until Next Time,

ShesThatRNspiration